Alienated Parent vs. Alienator

 Alienated Parent vs Alienator 

The Alienated Passive Parent:

First, there is a difference between Targeted and Alienated Parent.  A targeted parent still sees and spends quality time with their kids while the other parent attempts to destroy the relationship.  The alienated parent has no relationship with their kids.  It is a living death.  The children are physically alive but emotionally and mentally dead to them.  When a child dies, there is closure because we know where they are.  When a child is missing or alienated, there is no closure, and hence the term “Living Death”.

The alienated/targeted parent is the peacemaker, go with the flow, whatever you say honey parent.  They have given up all their control to the other parent.  That is until they try to take back the control.  Then this is a huge trigger for the alienating parent. 

The Alienator Aggressive Parent:

As for the aggressive alienating parent, they are the controller and need to have total control.  Alienators are narcissists, often with Bi-Polar and other mental health conditions. Their amygdala is often damaged or genetically altered causing a lack of true empathy and compassion. But they are great at putting on a show for everyone.  They have extreme low self-esteem and sense of self-worth. They are filled with hatred, anger and rage. Stuck in the anger stage of the grieving process, they emotionally cannot move forward.  Whether this is from childhood issues or the loss of a relationship, they are stuck.  This is not necessarily from the targeted parent but from their family of origin issues (FOO). 

 

They were also raised to believe they have to be perfect because if they are not perfect, then they are not lovable. And if they are not lovable, they will be abandoned. And if they are abandoned, they are alone. And this terrifies them. This attitude is easily transferred to the children who also feel they must be perfect or risk abandonment. This need to be perfect is why they cannot go to counseling or lose because then they are not perfect and will end up alone.

 

From my work, 99% of alienators were abused as children or raised by a narcissistic dysfunctional parent or parents.  No one saved them from this abuse. So now when their relationship ends, their warped minds truly believe they are saving their children from some perceived abuse. What they are really doing is projecting their own FOO (Family of Origin) issues through the children on to the other parent. In reality, they are trying to save little them as a child, through their children and blaming the other for not saving them from their own childhood abuse or for abandoning them.  In other words, they are projecting their childhood issues through the children onto the targeted parent in an attempt to save little them. In their warped minds, they truly believe that they are saving their children from some perceived abuse.  So now they must make themselves out to be the perfect parent and make the other person out to be the bad parent. There is no gray area. It is just a very black or white thing. You are either with them or you are not. 

 

This adds to their inability to recognize their own feelings and emotions are separate from their children’s. It is what I call Borderless Boundaries. There is no boundary or border between who they are and what they feel, hear, or see and what their children hear, see or do. The only way I can explain this warped brain is to describe it as a piece of wood that has been left out in the rain. It is warped and completely distorted. It takes special tools and expertise to straighten out that piece of wood. And even with that, as any carpenter will tell you, it will never be perfect.

The Relationship:

When the two parents met it was a yin/yang relationship.  The alienator was looking for someone to control.  And the targeted parent is the peacemaker, go with the flow whatever you say honey person who is just looking for someone to take the command and control.  But the day that the targeted parent stands up and tries to take back the control, is the day all hell hits the fan.

Dr. Steve Miller:

Dr. Steve Miller explains things further about these two type parents:

“Alienating parents tend to present well; targeted parents tend to present poorly. As a rule, alienating parents present with the Four C’s. They are cool, calm, charming, and convincing. That is because effective alienators tend to be master manipulators … In contrast, targeted parents tend to present with the Four A’s. They are anxious, agitated, angry, and afraid. That is because they are trauma victims. They are attempting to manage a horrific family crisis, usually without success, often while being attacked by professionals who fail to recognize the counterintuitive issues. Indeed, non-specialists often get these cases backwards” – Steven G. Miller, M.D., Massachusetts, USA

Taken from Karen Woodall’s Blog Article: Removing the Masks: The Necessity of the Counter-Intuitive in Parental Alienation,

https://karenwoodall.blog/2018/07/22/removing-the-masks-the-necessity-of-the-counter-intuitive-in-parental-alienation/

These other pieces of information may also be helpful

Concrete Reasoning to Abstract Reasoning

At about the age of 8-10, kids go from concrete reasoning to abstract reasoning.  What this means is they go from a horse is a horse because it has a large, furry animal with four legs that runs fast and says Neigh to the question stage asking the why, what, where, when and so on.  It is these questions that trigger the flight/fight response in the alienator.  And this is when they pour on the alienation.  It causes the child to psychologically split especially if they do not want to take sides.   These children lack executive functioning skills such as critical thinking.

Children with good self-worth and self-esteem do not succumb to alienating tactics so easily if at all.  Children that have low self-esteem are much more vulnerable to the PAS tactics.  They actually go into a self-protection mode. Improving a child's self-esteem and self-worth helps them to not be taken in and gives them the opportunity to think critically for themselves.   They will be less likely to be alienated. 

Depending on the level of alienation in the child will depend on how things are approached.  Mild to Moderate:  You might be able to say something like: “Does this even make sense what you are saying or hearing?”  If they are severely alienated, the only way to overturn it is with Intensive Reunification Therapy with a Professional who is properly trained in Alienation and Cult like behavior reversal.  The longer this goes on, the worse the damage to the child and the larger the negative effects in adulthood.

And the following also:

When a parent claims that the child does not want to go or they should be allowed to make this decision about visitation or the child is refusing to go saying it is their own wishes:  

Children do not have the emotional and mental maturity to decide to permanently remove one parent from their lives.  In fact, the human brain does not stop growing until age 25 and does not stop maturing until about age 35.  It is why our federal and state governments listened to the scientific research and studies and decided that children are not allowed to vote until they are 18, Drink or Smoke until they are 21 or rent a car until age 25.  If the federal and state governments using scientific research and evidence, have made these laws.  Then it stands to reason that children should not be allowed to make such a momentous decision as to remove one parent and their extended family from their lives.

So, when a parent says that the child can make this decision about visitation, ask them the following:

1.     If the child has a doctor’s appointment, and refuses to go, is it okay for the child not to go?  

2.     If the child refused to study for a test at school and doesn’t want to go to school, is it okay for them to just stay home?  

3.     If a child refuses to be respectful to a teacher, is this is okay?

4.      If a child is bullying another child is this, okay? 

5.     If your child broke his wrist and refused to go the hospital to get it fixed, would you allow him to not go?

6.     If your child had a substance abuse problem and needed help for it, would you ignore this and not make him go for treatment?

7.     If your child just watched his best friend get murdered, would you just let it go and not get him counseling?

8.     If your child was the victim of a violent crime and refused to go to counseling, would you let it slide?

9.     If your child tried to kill themselves but refused counseling, would you just let it go?

10.  If your child had detention at school but refused to go?  Is this okay?

If the answers to the questions are no, then why is it okay for you to allow a child to violate a court order?  Either you are lying about encouraging a positive relationship or you are not a very good parent.  Which is it?

A Parent's job as is to encourage a positive relationship with the other parent and this includes providing positive statements. 

Symptoms in Children Associated to Parental Alienation (From the book by Lorandos & Bernet, “Parental Alienation - Science and Law”, P. 8-9)

Summarizing a great deal of research, Barbara Jo Fidler and her colleagues explained that data consistently show that alienated children are at risk for emotional distress and adjustment difficulties and at much greater risk than children from litigating families who are not alienated. They reported that clinical observations, case reviews, and qualitative comparative research uniformly indicate that alienated children may exhibit:

(a) poor reality testing; (b) illogical cognitive operations; (c) simplistic and rigid information processing; (d) inaccurate or distorted interpersonal per- ceptions; (e) self-hatred; (f) low or inflated self-esteem; (g) pseudo-maturity; (h) gender-identity problems; (i) poor differentiation of self (enmeshment); (j) aggression and conduct disorders; (k) disregard for social norms and authority; (l) poor impulse control; (m) emotional constriction, passivity, or dependency; and (n) lack of remorse or guilt. (Barbara Jo Fidler, Nicholas Bala, Rachel Birnbaum, Katherine Kavassalis, "Challening Issues in Child Custody Disputes: A Guide For Legal and Mental Health Professionals" 226–227 (2008).

Common Sense 101:

If the behavior is not acceptable in an intact family (non-divorced), then why is it permitted in a divorced family.

Common Sense 102:

If in probate court there is a presumption of joint/shared custody related to guardianship, then it should also follow into family court for separating or divorcing parents. Otherwise, this is discrimination against separating/divorcing parents.

HHSS:

This next part is really important.  I have many parents who have told me this was key to them getting their kids back.  It is about being HHSS to help Move Forward.

It stands for Happy Healthy, Successful and Spiritually Positive.  Happy is what makes you laugh and feel-good inside.  Healthy is about taking care you both your mind and body.  Success is NOT money but what and where you do or go in your life that makes you feel good about being you.  Spirituality is NOT about religion but about believing in yourself.  This is not something you necessarily have 24/7 but something to strive for.  No one’s life is HHSS 24/7. But The more HHSS we are, the more likely we are to be around for our kids when they get it. 

Not to mention, this is exactly what the exes do not want us to be, i.e., HHSS.  It makes them bonkers and crazy because they no longer have control of us.  They go out of control to get the control back.  Add to this that people tend to gravitate to those that are HHSS, and the kids are more likely to gravitate back to the targeted/alienated parent later on if they feel they are safe and secure.  Think about it, it is very draining to always be around someone who is filled with hatred, angry, and rage as well as so aggressive.  Don’t let them take you down the Rabid Varmint Hole. The children get drained and hopefully, will eventually come looking for the parent who is HHSS.  But most importantly, we deserve to be HHSS. 

So, take the fight out of the emails and other communications and save it for court. 

And lastly, always have UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR THE CHILDREN.    

Joani

Joan Teresa Kloth-Zanard, MFT, GAL, ADA Advocate, RSS, ABI and LC

PASIntervention@gmail.com
Executive Director and Founder
Parental Alienation/Psychological Abuse Support and Intervention: A Tax-exempt charitable organization approved under sec. 501(c )(3) of the IRS
www.PAS-Intervention.org

203-770-0318 cell/work

Joan is the Author of "Where Did I Go Wrong?  How Did I Miss the Signs?  Dealing with Hostile Parenting and Parental Alienation” and “Broken Family Bonds: Poems and Stories from Victims of Parental Alienation”.  All proceeds go to PASI.