A letter from an Adult Child of PAS

PLEASE READ: PARENTAL ALIENATION IS ABUSE! IT'S WRONG & LEAVES YEARS OF MENTAL & EMOTIONAL ANGUISH & DISRUPTION. LET'S FIGHT TO STOP PARENTAL ALIENATION NOW!

This is a letter for the alienator how as an adult I feel towards that person and questions that surround me on more than one occasion. I hope you read the whole letter and the see into a child's frustration, confusion, and maybe hatred. Sometimes the hatred is reversed and I know leaves in me a deeper scar because of the part I played in it. Some kids don't always hate the alienator but hates their actions. It is such a terrible thing to do to a child but as an adult I sit back and say why didn't anyone else see this. Why didn't the judical system work for my brothers. Why did we fall through the cracks. Where does the law really work? The law, words on a piece of paper with some distinguishing number. They arent always right they don't take away my feelings and they sure didn't help my family.Today after weeks of hearing so many different stories my heart breaks. I want to just take them all and their children and give them a big hug. It also takes me back to that dark evil place where I once stood. My head held low, the jitters in my stomach, the overwhelming feeling of confusion, and loneliness. Sometimes it's hard for me to believe I have lived through so much in a short time.But today I sit back and ask myself Why?? Why did he do this to my brothers and I? I was lucky enough to escape this evil. This evil that I held the hand of for so long. I lived in this dungon of hatred and coruption. The only person to save me was me. I only through experiance can say what is wrong with this man.Why has he put his own interest, his own cares above his children. How can you hate someone so much that you use your children as your defense to hide who you really are. The deep evil that lies in the belly of your soul was seen to me. But to others you share a false accusation of betrayal so you can be pitied. People say you dont know someone until they walk in your shoes. I dont want your shoes. I'm always afraid of what I write in case my brothers read this. But this is something I have to clear my mind of. WHY? What did I do to deserve this hell you have thrown me into? WHY do I have live with this mess? What did I do so bad as a child that you used me to better your odds. To put the game in your favor. Why was I punished for being my mother's daughter? You sit and you plot. You toy with our emotions. You left me deserted abandoned, cold and hungry for you. I was so stupid to fall into your pit of emptiness that's all it was inside you empty--you have no emotions to do this to us. Your revenge is your life and you will try to do anything to win. You told me you would kill yourself, you told me my mom hated me. You told me you were the better parent. You told me lies. No parent who loves their children makes them suffer like this. I gave you my soul my heart and my trust. My mind and heart where fragile like glass. You picked me up, lifted me high and threw me so hard that the glass would shatter in so many pieces that I couldnt glue myself back together.I was a child growing in the house of deception. WHY can't kids grow up where they are loved. I was still learning emotions you taught me many. "Dont take any wooden nickels" I heard everyday. I never would know the full impact of those words until now. I despise them now. I hate those words. Because you live them to the fullest. Anyone that can want to physically hurt their children to win a battle is gutless to face the underlining problem themselves. Winning is everything to you. You dont know the meaning of love. You dont love anything, not even yourself. I love you and hate you and I hate myself for that feeling. YOU DID THIS TO ME. You make my brothers believe your lies, their heads are filled with lies that at this time they fully believe happened to them even when it didn't. Mommy didn't beat them but you have them so warped they believe it. The only people you let in are the ones who you can control. Why didn't you treat me the way I deserved. I wasnt the worst child in the world. We had to live in such order all the time, apperances are everything, right. Look good to the outside world but inside behind closed doors are everything. I see you for who you are a man that is really broken and scared. You live your life like a fugative running from the law. Why? What do you have to hide? You're so secluded so know one knows your business. Afraid people will see through that dark soul. You ripped our family apart and blame it on mommy. You tranformed us kids into social and emotional outcasts to keep us with you. I can't understand why a parent gets so wrapped up in THEIR own world they forget to remember the innocent children around them. Why is everything a war? A battle to conquer? We are not pieces of a puzzle that you just make fit in the hole that it wasnt supposed to be in. Even as a child I watched. Everything had to be a secret. I learned how to fool the system. You made me become like you, a child hears and sees what a parent does. So because of this I can find the manipulation in what you do because you made me you. Your true colors arent of white but of black. The deep black hole that you think you fill. But you can't fill it, that's why you hide and run. You keep running scared. I'm not afraid of you anymore. You trained me too well into your black pitt. I once lived as you. I felt what you felt, the anger, loneliness, abandonment. I was once your robot. The training that you gave me will one day come back to haunt you. You think you have won for now but you can't control my mind anymore. The mother you had me believe in does not exsist. She is one with heart, compassion, friendship, and loyalty to us kids. Why didn't anyone else see this? Why didn't the lawyers see what I see today as an adult. I can look at a paper and in 2 seconds I see the fraud. Are they not there for the children. Do they need to hear a story to how it screws us up for life. Why does a parent have to let the children go to an abuser? A parent shouldn't have to say I give because they have to wonder if they or their kids will die because of it. WHERE IS THE JUSTICE? The saying that the innocent will prevail. The innocent kids don't prevail without a life long fight to find the truth and then do we believe what we where taught for so long. This is surreal for me to understand. The innocent are the kids being involved in a fight that wasn't even their own. Parents say we had them out of love. Or our kids are the best part of the marriage well act like it. It's for them not you. I can't pretend anymore. I cant sit back and say oh well. I'm now a fighter on the other side. I've been taught on both sides of the board. You made me a fighter. So now Im fighting back. Why, is my only question the answer you will surely take to your grave. Sometimes I wonder if you have any human emotion. You're so busy taking others to therapy why don't you get your own. The only PhD you have is in lies. Someday I hope you can see inside yourself what I saw for you as a kid. You treated me terrible but you were my hero. You were everything to me. But I have given up on that illusion the false testimony of man. A real hero is one that even if it breaks them does whatever possible to protect their children. They will have their heart break for eternity for someone else. A hero is having to physically let go when they are hurt to give their kids a chance at life. They stand with their head low but they stand. A hero is one that no matter who has their kids, they don't give up. A hero's heart can be broken and feel as if there is no tomorrow. But they are warriors they fight for the love that never diminishes. You are none of these, you fight for yourself in a world where payback is bliss. Your winning ego has taken you to a whole other demension. Someday I hope you hear the words I often did from you...........

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