A Post from A Member of One of the Parental Alienation Groups

This is long but stay with it.  It makes a lot of sense and explains about how my adolescent daughters got sucked into PAS. Marlene and Jocelyn - this has actually happened to you although you don't realize it.  I love you and miss you.

- Keith Thompson -

One of the most torturous things about PA during adolescence is the way alienation takes hold of and "hijacks" the defining characteristics of this crucial passage in a young person's life.

 Every stage of life development presents a human being with fundamental tasks specific to that stage. In adolescence, these primary tasks include: experimenting with greater separation from the family of origin (in particular the people called Mom and Dad); exploring a greater sense of personal identity (I, Me, My); and developing a heightened moral sense. Opinions about what's right and wrong, good and bad, become far more prevalent. These opinions cover politics, social issues, peer dynamics, and naturally parenting decisions. Separation, forging one's own identity, and learning to take strong stands — all are important tasks during the passage of adolescence. Enter parental alienation. The aligned parent (AP) grabs hold of the child's normal desire for separation, and cheerleads the adolescent child not just to be independent from the target parent (TP) but to actively reject that parent. Likewise, the AP learns to play on the child's fierce moralism, encouraging the kid to believe the target parent is monolithically bad, wrong, evil (no shades of gray). Thus the AP turns the normal tasks of adolescence to pathological ends, in the name of advancing his or her selfish agenda. No alienated parent needs to be persuaded that these dynamics are wrenching and extremely difficult to counteract. Amazing how the most sincere efforts to overcome the dynamics seems to make things worse. At the hardest moments, it is small comfort to bear in mind that adolescence is a specific life stage that doesn't last forever ... yet being mindful of this fact is important, because it happens to be true. Eventually an adolescent's strong emphasis on egocentrism and black-and-white thinking begins to subside. As the stage called young adulthood kicks in (post-adolescence), it's common for alienated kids to begin admitting more "shades of gray" into their worldview. More secure in terms of their identity, young adults often find themselves ready to reconnect. Dr. Richard Warshak relates a poignant anecdote about a young man named Brad, who came to his senses after being alienated from his mom for quite a long time. "Like many alienated children who reconcile with the rejected parent, Brad [now] admits that all the while he was insisting to the custody evaluator and the guardian ad litem that he hated his mother and never wanted to see her again, he never expected the court to take him seriously," Dr. Warshak writes. "He wants people to know that his statements during the litigation did not reflect his genuine feelings about his mother and were an inaccurate accounts of the history of his relationship with her and her behavior toward him" ('Managing Severe Cases of Parental Alienation' by Richard Warshak; see link below). How truly poignant: a kid mouthing hostility toward the alienated parent, while secretly hoping that someone in the system might see through it! It's sobering to realize that the human brain is still developing until around age 25. Prior to that time, young people are going through enormous changes that they don't understand, despite their familiar fierce insistence that they've "got it handled." How well I remember my own adolescent certainty, decades ago. Yet my Baby Boom adolescence wasn't exaggerated by the 24/7 obsessiveness of Social Media: smart phone, Facebook, and all the rest. Seriously: even under the best conditions, these are hard times to be a parent. If you're a parent of an alienated adolescent, remember that even if alienation were not taking place, your kid would still be looking to spend way more time with peers than with parents. Sadly, the favored parent uses their child's quest for separation and personal identity to encourage hostility toward the excluded parent. But this very individuation is a double-edged sword, given that parents who teach their kids to disrespect their other parent should not be surprised when kids eventually turn this acquired skill against the alienating parent. I find hope in Brad's admission that he always hoped the court wouldn't take his claims seriously. The more Brad began to think for himself, the more willing he was to question the sickening bias of the parent who urged him to hate his other parent. (The PA literature is filled with stories of kids who, like Brad, come to realize that the AP did not have their best interests in mind. It is sometimes easier for an alienated kid to reunify with the former TP, than to forgive the manipulations of the AP.) And I agree with Mike Jeffries' suggestions this week. If you have lost touch with a child, or more than one child, don't hesitate to "send a text, a note or maybe even a small gift card today ... something to say 'I'm still here and thinking about you.... Don't give up hope. Don't believe your situation is a lost cause. Don't focus on how much time you've lost. Instead, keep reaching out and focus on the fact that you are one day closer to reconnecting with your child." “Shut your eyes and see," James Joyce wrote. In the meantime — right now — let nothing keep you from living your best life.

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